


your arms is where I wanna remain

by lilieswho



Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And Anne is there for him, Angst, Doctor Gilbert Blythe, Established Relationship, F/M, Gilbert Blythe Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, I have a degree in Grey's Anatomy so just go along with the medical stuff here, okay so in a moment of weakness I wrote this sad one shot and I'm so sorry, there's a kind of of a happy ending but still
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26935975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilieswho/pseuds/lilieswho
Summary: Sometimes Gilbert hated being a doctor.He wouldn't change his profession for the world, nor did he regret choosing that path for his life. Not at all. The love for his career was still as big as the day he decided to pursue it and he couldn't imagine doing anything else.But some days were harsher than others, and he couldn’t help but wish he was anything other than someone in charge of other people’s lives. And today  had been one of them.
Relationships: Gilbert Blythe/Anne Shirley
Comments: 14
Kudos: 117





	your arms is where I wanna remain

**Author's Note:**

> Oh, look who's here posting an angsty fic: the one who bitches about angst to literally every writer in this site. First of all, this was a moment of weakness where I felt like I needed to write a modern au and then this turned into an angst/ hurt-comfort thing so I just went with it.
> 
> To be clear I still am a 100% fluff at all times, but, you know, this happened *shrug*
> 
> A huge thanks to Sabrina and Giulia who, as always, did an amazing job as the best betas in the world. I love you guys.
> 
> Ps: I'm a journalism student not medicine, so whatever happens here was probably inspired by Grey's Anatomy which, as you know, isn't the most reliable source but oh well, I tried

Sometimes Gilbert hated being a doctor.

He wouldn't change his profession for the world, nor did he regret choosing that path for his life. Not at all. The love for his career was still as big as the day he decided to pursue it and he couldn't imagine doing anything else.

But some days were harsher than others, and he couldn’t help but wish he was anything other than someone in charge of other people’s lives. And today had been one of them.

He closed the door to his apartment at exactly 3:09 am, locking it behind him before resting his back against it for a second, as his eyes got used to the darkness surrounding him.

Gilbert took his shoes off, leaving them by the door just the way Mary always insisted when he was growing up and made his way to the kitchen, stomach growling after not having any food in him for the past three and half hours. He found a little takeout container in the fridge waiting for him with a pink post-it on top of it, the word  _ dinner _ and a small heart next to it written there, and Gilbert couldn’t help but feel a wave of warmth hit him right in the chest.

He looked at the food for a few seconds before grabbing a forgotten apple at the back of the fridge and closing the door. He couldn’t eat that dinner saved for him right now, not when his body was already feeling so worn down and undeserving of any kindness directed at him. 

The apple was gone in a moment and it was nowhere near as sweet as the ones back home in Avonlea and not enough to satiate his hunger, but it did a decent job at making his stomach stop growling. What it didn’t do was make him feel better, even now that his hunger was partly satiated. 

_ One apple a day keeps the doctor away. _

That's what his dad used to say to Gilbert as the eleven year old helped him out in their orchard. And just before they headed home, father and son would share an apple under a tree just before the sun left the sky and it got too dark for them to walk back. Gilbert remembered eating it with such gusto, not only because his father carefully picked the best of them to share with him, but because he figured if all it took to keep the doctor away was an apple, maybe if they ate them enough, his father wouldn't need to go to the doctor as much.

If only an apple was the solution to all of the pain in the world.

Gilbert sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. Thinking about his father right now would do nothing but bring more pain, and all he wanted at the moment was a shower and his bed. He walked to his bedroom, opening and closing the door gently before going straight to the adjacent bathroom.

He dwelled in the shower, trying to scrub the smell of that day off of him and hoping to relax his tensed shoulders. It partly worked — the hot water beating against his back made him feel better and, for a quick moment, it was almost like all his troubles seemed to go away. But the hot water could only do so much and, unfortunately, clear his mind wasn’t one of them.

So when he stepped out of the bathroom, wearing only his pajama pants, the events of that day hit him like a truck. He closed his eyes, trying to block it all but to no avail. The sound of the machines beeping, the crying, the nurses calling on him repeatedly as someone touched his arm firmly, the strong smell of iron and that face frozen in time rushed through his mind nonstop.

_ It's your fault,  _ a faint voice echoed in the back of his mind.

He heard then, in the back of his mind, Anne’s voice, telling him to use one of the strategies she taught him to keep his anxiety under control. Gilbert took a deep breath and started thinking of bones’ names in his head to keep him grounded. 

_ Carpals, manubrium, mandible _

_ Humerus, scapula, radius _

_ Tibia, femur, ulna _

He opened his eyes again and they immediately landed on the woman sound asleep in his bed.  _ Anne. _ There wasn’t much light coming from the windows — she never cared much for any type of light at night that wasn't the moonlight — but he could still see clear as day the bright red hair cascading down her neck and spread all over her pillow. 

The sight of her made him smile for what seemed like the first time that day. He loved how Anne managed to always take his breath away, especially in moments where she wasn't even aware of it. His eyes made their way down from her hair to her neck and then to her body wrapped in one of his old sweaters that stopped fitting him for almost ten years.

She always wore some of his clothes whenever he had a night shift or travelled for work and he absolutely loved it, especially when she told him that it made her feel closer to him whenever he wasn't around. It always made him think about the little thirteen year old girl smacking a book against his cheek who didn't want anything to do with him. The same girl who, twelve years later, had agreed to marry him.

Being with Anne or even thinking about her was usually the one thing that made Gilbert completely at ease. He laid next to her, adjusting himself for a moment before settling on his back. Gilbert fought the urge to hold her, bring her closer to his chest and bury his nose in her neck, afraid he would wake her up.

The last thing he needed was to disturb Anne's sleep, especially now.

He closed his eyes and did his best to ignore the tightness in his chest, hoping that his mind would shut off from exhaustion and he could have a good night's sleep. Gilbert had been on his feet since seven thirty that morning, moving one side to another, putting out fires in the ER room, barely having time off before he headed to the free clinic for his night shift.

_ Phalange, patella, talus _

His shoulders were tense, his arms ached from pain and he could barely feel his feet, all of him begging for the rest that a full night sleep would offer, but his mind had other plans. Gilbert could still see the young girl in front of him, in pain, asking for help because she had nowhere else to go. He should've turned her away, the nurses said, and told her they didn't do that kind of service in the clinic, that she'd be better off in a hospital. Now, Gilbert wondered if they were right, if they knew better than his barely experienced self, always ready to help.

But how could he turn away a pregnant teenager who was ready to deliver?

Gilbert had delivered many babies by that point. It wasn't a big number, not compared to what doctors had in their lifetime, but it was a lot more than anyone in his residency program had and he was confident he could do it. There was nothing more rewarding than seeing the look on a mother's face, seeing their baby for the very first time.

Of course, that didn't mean that it was always easy. There were always times when the baby had some kind of breathing problem and had to be taken out of the delivery room as soon as possible, but, in the end, they all managed to be fine.

But this time... It was never easy having a first. The first mistake, the first unforeseen moment during a high risk procedure, the first death. Gilbert knew it was impossible to always have a good outcome— he had lost plenty of patients, had made mistakes, had frozen during situations where he was in over his head. It was all part of his profession. 

But he had never lost a mother. Not besides his own. 

_ Sphenoid, zygomatic, trochlea _

Gilbert could feel his chest tightening and hot tears pooling behind his eyes, as he did his best not to cry right then. He needed to  _ sleep _ and not think about her right now. It was selfish, he knew, to wish so badly to forget someone who literally was the whole world for a new life — a life he helped bring into the world — just for the sake of his sanity, but his heart stung with such force, Gilbert wasn't sure if he could handle it much longer.

_ Tarsal, metatarsals, clavicle _

His fiancée shifted her leg slightly and the need to feel her in his arms became urgent. Even though she was lying right next to him, Anne seemed miles away now, sleeping soundlessly with her back facing him. Gilbert moved slowly, pressing his body against hers and wrapping his arms gently around her waist.

It helped, just like he knew it would. Having Anne with him always made him feel so much better, even if all she could offer in the moment was a soft smile or a kind look. Her kindness was one of his favorite things about her, how she was always willing to love everything and everyone, almost like she too had all that love growing up.

Her life in the orphanage and in foster care was still something she hardly talked about, but Gilbert knew how, for thirteen years of her life, kindness was a rare occurrence, while pain and suffering was too familiar for a child who only wanted to belong.

No one who looked at her now would even guess how hard she had had it because no one considered loving a little orphan girl.

_ Orphan, _ just like the child whose mother Gilbert couldn't save.

_ It's your fault. _

_ Sacrum, sternum, pisiform... _

_ It's your fault _

_...linea aspera, articular capsule, parietal... _

_ It's your fault _

_...coccyx, capitulum... _

_ It's your fault _

This time, Gilbert couldn’t hold in the tears. He squeezed his eyes closed, biting his lip to avoid making any sound as he cried silently so Anne didn't wake. But his arms were still around her waist and as he cried, her body gently shook with his.

“Gil...” she murmured, turning around to face him. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

He tried to say something,  _ anything,  _ but he couldn’t form a single word as he sobbed in front of her. Guilt was flooding his entire body, the sharp pain in his chest becoming stronger as he looked into her grey eyes full of concern.

Anne rested her hand on his face, stroking her thumb across his cheek gently as she waited. It made him feel worse, that little gesture of hers. The last thing he wanted was to break down in front of her and make her worried.

"I- I'm fine." He tried to keep his voice steady, but failed miserably. "I'm sorry... It was just a...  _ long _ day and I guess I was too overwhelmed and—” 

"Just breathe," she instructed, keeping her gaze fixed on his face. He knew she knew he was lying. Gilbert also knew she'd ask about it, but not until he felt somewhat better, so he just closed his eyes and followed her instructions, taking deep breaths until his chest felt a little lighter.

He didn’t want to open his eyes and look at Anne. Gilbert didn’t think he could bear the concern in her eyes any longer and later, after he told her about his night, the disappointment. She wouldn't do that on purpose, show him how he let her down and let another child become an orphan in this unkind world, but Anne had always been an expressive soul, unable to hide whatever she was feeling.

Gilbert wondered if he could pull off a lie instead, just so he could get away from all that for now and maybe put himself to sleep.

He opened his eyes, but avoided her gaze, instead looking at her chin.

"I didn't want to scare you or wake you, for that matter," he started, voice slightly firmer than before. "I'm just... tired, with the double shift and lack of sleep, I just..."

"What happened today?" Anne insisted.

He shook his head lightly and put all his energy into forming a smile, hoping it looked genuine enough to put her mind at ease. "We should just go back to sleep... It's three am and you must be exhausted from--"

_ "Gilbert,"  _ she cut him off, lifting his chin so he could finally look at her. Anne was giving him a stern look that vaguely reminded him of Marilla. "Talk to me. You're clearly not fine and I won't go back to sleep until I'm sure you're okay."

He opened his mouth to argue, to say he was truly fine, to insist one more time that they should go back to sleep, but he had no more strength in him. Gilbert was tired of holding back so much, trying so hard to force a smile and repeat to himself over and over and over again that he could feel later.

So he told her.

He told her about the teen mom who showed up around eleven with strong contractions but wasn’t admitted until twelve due to lack of gurneys. How everything seemed fine with her — good blood pressure, good physical exam, and how the baby couldn’t be in better shape.

Fourteen years old, she was. According to the paperwork she filled out, there was no family to contact in case of emergency — not hers, not the baby’s father either. She hadn’t even given a home address, but had arrived at the free clinic with a used bag full of worn baby clothes and a few baby bottles that seemed chewed on.

She hadn’t looked scared, given the situation. He remembered how she caressed her belly, asking how long she would be there before she would be able to take her baby home. Wherever home was.

Gilbert had discretely asked one of the nurses to call child protection services to investigate the girl’s living situation. If she had no home — or a dangerous home life — he couldn’t possibly let her or the baby leave the clinic.

But then everything started falling apart. The time between contractions had become shorter much faster than he anticipated, with her being only seven centimeters dilated, and as much as he tried to stop labor, the baby was coming. Gilbert had asked her not to push, telling her it wasn’t time yet, as he told the nurses to sterilize a room for an emergency c-section, but she couldn’t help it. Not long afterwards she started bleeding and he couldn’t find the source of it without delivering first.

Everything had been happening so fast and Gilbert had had trouble handling it all at once by himself. The nurses assisting him had rushed in and out of the room with urgency, bringing supplies to help him with the birth.

He hadn’t known what was wrong. He hadn’t known where she was bleeding from, he hadn’t known why she seemed to be out of oxygen so fast or if her baby would survive. After what felt like hours, he had heard the faint cry of the infant in his arms.

Relief had flowed through him as he looked at the little boy in his arms, head covered in the darkest hair he had ever seen on a child that small. But then one of the machines had started beeping and he had quickly handed the baby to a nurse as he noticed the bleeding had resumed.

He tried to save her. He did everything he was trained to: he looked for the source of the bleeding, tried to revive her  _ three  _ times, even when everyone else around him had stopped, realizing there was nothing else to do. It was only when one of the nurses touched his arm that Gilbert had stopped, looking at the lifeless body laid out in front of him.

A fourteen year old girl had come for help and he couldn’t save her. She was dead because of him.

“Gilbert, you did  _ everything _ you could to save her,” Anne said firmly, forcing him to look at her. “You did the best you could with what was available. This is  _ not  _ your fault.”

“She was fourteen, Anne. She had her entire life in front of her, she had just had a  _ baby  _ and didn’t even get to meet him. If I could have only seen where the bleeding was coming from, I’d...”

The words died in his mouth. There was no point now in telling her what he could've done better; it wouldn't matter either way. That girl was dead and that baby boy was left without a mother.

“I know this is hard, Gil,” she said softly, squeezing his hands. “This is the first time you lost a mom, and that can’t be easy. But you can’t save them all and you shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“Why not?” he asked quietly. “The other mom I lost was entirely my fault. My existence is the whole reason why my mother is dead.”

_ “Gilbert.” _

“Anne.” Gilbert sighed, closing his eyes. He was beyond exhausted, his body aching inside and out and all he wanted atthis point was a good night’s sleep and to see if he could try to forget for a moment all that had happened that day. “You don’t... You don’t understand what it’s like. I get that I handle life and death situations every day at my job but this girl... this  _ child _ lost her life and I’m sure I could’ve saved her but I didn’t. I failed her and now a baby boy is probably an orphan because of me.”

“So why do you blame yourself for your mom’s death when the doctor couldn’t save her?”

“What?”

“If that’s the logic you’re going with, why wouldn’t that fit into your situation as well?” Anne asked, sitting up in their bed. “And what’s to stop that baby boy from blaming himself for his mother’s death?”

“That’s not...”

“The same? Why not? His whole existence is the reason why his mother is dead, isn’t it?” Gilbert opened his mouth to argue, but he knew what would happen next. He would say the baby did nothing wrong, he had just taken his first breath and couldn't possibly have killed his mother, and Anne would point out how Gilbert couldn't have done the same. It would be an endless cycle of an argument, so he didn't say anything. “Do you see how none of those options work?”

“I can’t help but feel guilty, Anne,” he said, covering his face with his hands. “And I can’t stop thinking about that baby. What will happen to him?”

“I don’t know, Gil,” she said softly. She pulled him closer to her and he rested his head on her chest, hugging her waist. “But this isn’t Nova Scotia. Toronto is a big city and they probably have better resources, especially now with technology and all. Maybe he’ll be fine.”

“But—”

“We can call Prissy in the morning if you’d like,” she continued, hand running through his curls slowly. “She knows more about it than either of us and maybe she can help him out somehow.”

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Yeah, that’s a good idea.”

“You’re also his doctor now. I’m sure you can request whoever gets him to bring him to you for a check-up. That way you can see how he’s doing.”

“It’s not just that, Anne.” He moved his head slightly to meet her eyes. “The mother was fine one second and dead the next.”

“Gil…”

“My mother was fine her entire pregnancy until the moment I was born. I know that there are also hundreds of women who don’t have any complications whatsoever but—” He moved his hand to her belly slowly, as if any sudden movement would disturb the life growing inside of her. Anne wasn’t showing yet, being only a couple months along, but since the moment he had seen the positive sign on the pregnancy test, it was like their baby was already in their arms. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” she whispered against his hair, rubbing her hand on his back. He had thought about this a lot, the moment Anne would give birth, if she’d have the same fate as his mother. Gilbert had read a study that a baby would have a higher chance of being born breech if either or both parents had been born the same way— and he had. 

Rationally, he knew there were ways to see that in advance, as well as to help the baby turn into the proper position before the birth. Besides, even if that wasn’t possible, medicine had improved so much since he was born— there were more options, safe options, to make sure Anne and their baby would be fine. But that didn’t stop him from being afraid of what could happen.

Medicine wasn’t perfect and even when everything worked the way it was supposed to, people got sicker and died without an explanation. That could happen with anyone. Even with his Anne. 

When he spoke again, his voice was so small, he barely heard himself.

“I don’t want to lose you too, Anne.”

“You won’t. I promise you, I’ll be fine.  _ Both _ of us will be fine.” She kissed the top of his head. “The three of us can do this, together. We’re a  _ T-E-A-M, _ remember?”

Gilbert nodded weakly, hoping she was right.

*******

There were moments in Gilbert’s life that he was sure he had seen the face of God. 

When he held his niece, Delphine, for the first time.

When Anne told him she loved him.

And when she agreed to marry him.

And while those were still the best moments of his life, nothing would ever compare to the one where he saw his baby in the arms of the woman he loved more than anything in this world.

It had been a long, difficult labor, starting with Anne’s water breaking a week and a half before her due date. That set Gilbert into panic mode, as he tried to recall any previous knowledge he had acquired during his many years in medical school and his internship to no avail. The thought of something being wrong haunted him from his house to the hospital, where Diana, who was already waiting for them, took charge of settling Anne in a room and asking all the questions Gilbert couldn’t seem to form. 

As for Anne, she remained as calm as possible, holding Gilbert’s hand at every contraction and whispering how she couldn’t believe their baby was coming to no one but herself to hear. Thankfully, the baby was born in the correct position with no complications during the birth. 

And after nineteen long hours of labor, Anne and Gilbert welcomed a baby girl into the world. 

The first few weeks had been hard and exhausting. Neither he nor Anne knew what they were doing and there were many sleepless nights with a crying baby, a crying Anne and even a crying Gilbert due to exhaustion. Marilla had spent a month in their home after the baby was born, helping Anne out and giving them a chance to sleep for a few hours and shower for more than five minutes. When she left, the fear of doing this on their own struck stronger than ever, but as everything Gilbert and Anne accomplished, they managed to conquer that new chapter of their life, together.

There were times that everything seemed impossible. When the baby couldn’t stop crying and Anne spent two nights in a row awake with her, trying to feed her or soothe her, Gilbert was sure something was terribly wrong. The doctor in him looked for any medical reason why that was happening. He checked for ear infections, any sign of fever or even trouble breathing, but his baby was perfect in every possible way.

Anne was sure she was the reason why their baby didn’t seem happy, blaming herself for already being a terrible mother, given how she never had one when she was that little. As for Gilbert, as much as he tried to comfort his fiancée, he was sure the baby didn’t even know who he was, since every time he picked her up, she cried even louder.

It wasn’t until the middle of the third month that things started to improve. The baby seemed less inclined to spend her days crying and started to sleep more of the night, which brought tears of joy to the couple. There were still hard days, but they started to occur with less frequency and Gilbert and Anne were much more equipped to handle it.

Gilbert’s favorite part of the day was when he got to spend quality time, just him and his daughter, whenever Anne went out for groceries or even just decided to take a mid-afternoon nap. When he held his little one in his arms and looked at the life he helped create with his fiancée, he couldn’t believe that she was his. 

If he could look at her for all eternity, Gilbert would. There wasn’t a more perfect baby in the world than his own. With her bright red curls and small round nose, just like her mother’s, only missing the seven freckles on top of it that Anne seemed to hate so much. From her smile to the way she looked at Gilbert sometimes, with deep curiosity, his child was all Anne. 

But her eyes were his. Dark as the night, going wide as she took in every word said by him. And as he held her close to his chest, Gilbert knew that he loved that little girl more than anything in this world. 

**Author's Note:**

> The first thing I need to point out here is that it was suggested their baby should die or Anne could suffer a miscarriage but this is as far as I allow myself to go with angst, especially because I feel bad for the characters and I tend to change it, so yay?
> 
> I also made a conscious choice to not name the baby because (if you not read the book, just ignore this info) I know what happens with baby Joyce and I didn't want to ignore that part of the story neither I wanted to create a new character, so you can think it's her or not.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you guys enjoyed and don't forget to let me know what are your feelings to this story.
> 
> I'm anneshirlei on tumblr and mcmartinskki on twitter if you ever want to chat!
> 
> Lots of love :)
> 
> tumblr - anneshirlei  
> twitter - lillieswho


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